Liora *American by Birth*

I'm starting to post in my American Lady blog.....
i'm going to drop this one (or just lock everything- can you do that?) and post more often over there. The next one is a more formal and impersonal, so if you happen to stop by there...and you want to comment, please try to not mention too many personal details. (I talk about a lot of things that I discuss with friends, but I use initials or titles, not names) I know I can't force anyone to do that but it's just a suggestion. Thanks y'all!

http://americanlady.blogspot.com

OH MY GOODNESS. Inauguration day is almost over, and where is this apocalyptic traffic predicted by the university and other people in this fair town? Where is this traffic that was going to prevent me from crossing ONE STREET to my class because there were going to be Obamzombies everywhere, blocking every space to walk, eat, drive, and breathe?! WHERE!!!! I GOT TO MY CLASS WITHOUT ANY TRAFFIC and people I know have been driving around the state all day.

OH MY GOODNESS. I know this is historical and a ton of people showed up, but my God I am SICK of people building up the hype like this is the coming of the Messiah and that 2349324320 million people are coming, and that I should stay on campus and lock myself in my room.

As we approach the U.S. Presidential Inauguration Day on Tuesday, January 20, UMW is working closely with our community partners to ensure as smooth a day as possible while our region sees the greatest influx of traffic ever to come through the area at one time.

 

To that end, the City of Fredericksburg Public Works and UMW urge all students planning to leave campus this weekend to plan accordingly. 

 

Traffic northbound on Sunday through Tuesday will be extremely heavy.  Southbound traffic on Tuesday is expected to be gridlocked for a good portion of the afternoon through late evening.

 

Students returning to campus during the weekend should plan to do so by early Sunday (well before noon) or wait until well after the Inauguration has ended. 

Everyone is acting weird today. Students. Professors. Friends. Roommates. Boyfriends. The whole world is frickin' weird today. I guess I'm no less today. I'm exhausted from running around. FINALLY my Independent Study with Prof S went through. It was actually kind of funny, because I went to his office to tell him that I wasn't officially under his study on Banner yet, and I had questions about paperwork. He didn't know the answer, so we went to the secretary and the department chair, and my conclusion is that no one has ever written an honors thesis at UMW for the International Affairs department. Because NO ONE had any clue about the answer.

Including the Registrar office. I asked for an Honors Thesis sheet, and they gave me an independent study sheet, after I TOLD THEM that I already enrolled for the study.

In conclusion, no one here has any clue what an honors thesis is, and I made it up.

Weird weird weird.

Besides my "independent honors thesis study", I only have THREE CLASSES! AND IT IS GLORIOUS! Dying in summer school and changing majors = totally worth it. I might have two jobs this semester, and two theses to write, so it won't be Easy Street for me. I am just hoping to enjoy the lack of reading 303243924329423 pages a night. Of course it'll still be 3234323 pages, but hey, that's an improvement.

Okay, so I'm really exhausted, and going to take a nap. People are coming over after dinner, and I have a class at 9:30 tomorrow morning. BOOOOOOOOOO. And then I have to visit Dr. S, buy my Arabic book, and then come back and WORK :(!!!

Oh, and find a second reader for my thesis. These are the choices I'm considering:
1) The really hardcore professor who would whip my tuz into shape during the entire semester, and make me cry until I wrote a beautiful thesis. This professor is teaching xbillion classes and is probably reading 23483293 theses already.
2) The professor who is most like me, but who I don't know very well. This professor is physically unable to read essay exams, most likely let alone my thesis. And this professor seems like they are going through hell right now.
3) This professor, who might not remember me, teaches about a subject related to my thesis. And this professor happens to be OHso gorgeous, which shouldn't be a factor in my selection, yet is (albeit a very small factor). Sadly enough.
4) The professor who has no idea about the topic I'm writing about and hates me. No redeeming factor here whatsoever.

I'm going to ask in this order. 1, 3, 2, cry, beg, bribe, and THEN 4. I'm just not sure who is going to be up to it.

Speaking of weird, it is WEIRD to finally be here with D. I haven't seen him in 21 days. We've been going "I MISSED YOU!!!" every single minute we're together, which is weird, and it just FEELS welrd. I'm not used to seeing him. I'm used to thinking and wanting to see him, but not actually having that luxury. It's actually weird to see and be with everyone here. I'm sure we'll all get into a rhythm soon enough.

Disclaima!:  When I wrote "boyfriends," I was just writing about the subject in general. D is my one and only and likely to stay that way. :D LOL. I just noticed that.

Seriously, HOW do you get an entry level job in the government and military?
Is it even possible?




What the heck is a level entry job for someone who wants to be an analyst? Analyst coffee-pourer? Analyst runner? Analyst makeup artist?


This is just getting beyond frustrating. I have like FIVE good options. What are the chances of getting hired with only FIVE job applications?

So...one semester down- one to go! Oh my goodness, it's the taboo subject in my circle of friends. Whenever someone brings up the fact that we're going to be working in just a few months, everyone covers their ears and starts screaming. We're 12 again, doing stupid childish things because we don't want to grow up.

Well, that's not entirely true. We do. We want to move on in our lives. Get jobs, get masters degrees, start families, head out alone. But what we're going through isn't necessarily like senioritis. We're still doggedly working, pulling all-nighters and going to class as much as we can stand. It's almost like we're ignoring the inevitable. Jana, Elaina and I went to Giant last night to do some grocery shopping, and they had a display telling the students to sign up for this special card that gave us an extra 5% off. This would apply for the 2009 students. What was the point when we'd be out of here in less than five months?

No more this. No more all-nighters with Gilmore Girls blaring in the background. No screaming and hitting the ceiling with broomsticks. No more daily ramen and trips to the Nest for 4 bottles of soda. No more gossip about our professors and long nights of being our pretentious selves. That's one thing I love here. There are people itching to jump in on long theoretical discussions, people always up for a good argument. And we're not being pretentious, it's just how we are, sadly. I loved having theological debates with people at 2 AM, knowing that I had to get up for Soviet Successor States at 8 AM.

After talking to Dr. A on Friday, I took the elevator in Combs, and my eyes suddenly focused and I realized that THIS. WAS. IT. Unless I came back to teach here, I'd probably never be here again.

It's really too scary to think about. I feel that I am ready to move on, but scared to actually start doing it. I have a long winter break ahead of me, applying for jobs, making calls, etc. I however, might have a potential plan- which scares me. Dr. A wants me to get a teaching certificate for Arabic, and that would certify me to teach at the high school level (and college? Although I'm not really sure about that). That would mean at least another year of studying up in DC, most likely I would find a place to live here. And I would have to temporarily give up working in military intelligence and find another job that won't be as strenuous. For the time being. I might even have to work somewhere that is not related to my field at all- retail or something, just to get the hours I need. I don't know. Or I would have a very low-rung position at the agencies; I'd probably be unable to work in intel right away, if I took this path. I have no idea which path to take. They all are so daunting. I would love to study in DC, and I have had opportunities to teach Arabic on the side. Every second I spend teaching, I love it. I want to become fluent so that I can teach with increased confidence.

I never thought that I'd love teaching. But I'm not good at it yet. I need training so that I can learn to be more patient, more encouraging, more constructive.

Anyway, so that's my train of thought. I am really enjoying chilling out with the people right before break...have already got many lovely Christmas presents...D and I are going along nicely, we've got a lot going on, but save a few minor arguments, we're actually good right now. Praise God! Of course I am still not feeling very good physically, I have an appointment with Dr. D on Thursday...

Oh! Through the degree eval on banner, I found out grades to four of my classes! New Central Asia / Arabic / Film Studies : A!!! I got a B+ in Soviet successor states, of which I am going to give Dr. K the benefit of the doubt, because I have no idea how that is not a B. My participation grade must have been awesome. I am still waiting for my IR theory final grade, but I stopped in to talk to Dr. S on Friday and saw my final exam grade, so I have a feeling that it is either an A- or a A. I hope it's an A, because that would make my GPA a whopping 3.86, which is the highest GPA I've had at UMW yet! I will be aiming for a 4.0 next semester.

It was really funny, when I was talking to Dr. S about my final exam grade, I told him about a problem I had structuring my argument, and how I was unhappy with the final product. He told me that my writing is probably what saves me in many of those situations. I thought that was weird because Dr. K bashes my writings into the 9th level of hell, and Dr. C (from Women and Politics), if she could, would probably throw my papers in a shredder- she REALLY hated my writing. Yet some other professors have told me that my writing is my saving grace. It doesn't make sense to me, which is why I do not slave over grammatical issues in a paper, as many professors have different tastes, and in my opinion, it's not worth it to spend hours trying to satisfy every professor's preferences. Dr. K told me that my speaking skills trump my writing skills. I'm actually more inclined to agree with him.

When I presented my Ukraine presentation for his class, for some reason, when I stood up to go back to my seat, students started applauding, which startled me. Dr. K didn't like that so much, because it was implicitly understood that students didn't get applause for the presentations. I did great in my Speech class this summer. So maybe my speaking IS better? But then again, I have bombed many a presentation. I guess it's depending on the topic. Talking about Ukraine is effortless for me.

Wow, am I ranting or what? I'm too lazy to clean, and Jana and I are in the living room, typing away on the dining table.

Gotta go.

After watching OBAMA ELECTED PRESIDENT flash across the screen, I lay back in my chair and turned off the television. I felt something burning in my soul, this intense anger.

It may have to do with the numerous signs I removed from campus. I was horrified yesterday to see fliers with Obama's symbol hanging on the walls all over campus. I saw signs taped high where no one could reach them. The fliers with the symbol scared me the most. There was no indication that it was Barack Obama that the sign was for. It looked like propaganda, a simple image burning into your mind, an image that needed no words but carried a message. Many (not all) of the students spoke of him in reverent, desperate tones. The whole thing seemed like a personality cult. Not like a bunch of excited voters, but people who truly bought into this man, this message to a point where all of their trust was in him.

Quoting some of the signs I saw: (this may not be word for word, but this is what I remembered)

"Vote for Obama because Obama loves you!"
"I love Obama, U should too!"

Do I think that he's evil? Not really. I dislike him as a politician, but seeing some of his supporters scared me more than he ever could.

I was depressed about it, not just because Obama won, but because I couldn't move myself to vote for John McCain. To anyone who could hear it, I wanted John McCain out first in the primaries. He does have an edge over Obama, in my book, but I disagreed with too many of his policies. I was also very upset that this was the best that the Republican Party could offer. I could not, in good conscience, vote for McCain. I really couldn't vote for one guy to screw the other one over. I know that many people are angry with me for that, but I've been very disillusioned with politics over the past few years. I still don't know what I am doing in this democracy where I do not have much of a choice in the end. People told me that I could have written in, but really, to me, it's the same thing as just not voting. 

I sometimes wonder if I am more Libertarian than Republican. Daniel says that I have a lot of anarchist tendencies, and boy, does that depress me!  (haha)

I was mulling all this last night, hearing people slamming doors and screaming their heads off in the street. Acting as if a savior had come to save them. As if he wasn't the same as all of us: hypocritical, human, corrupted when given power. As if he was somehow different. His message was different from McCain's, but everything underneath was the same. An academic, a man of Washington. Still having to play by the rules to do what he wants.

This morning, everyone was saying "thank God!" and people were tearing up on campus all day. I understand how exciting it is to see your side win....I didn't really know what that feels like, because I don't know what my side is, where I stand. I know that it wasn't with one of them. I realized that I was watching the television, hoping that some mysterious 3rd candidate would pop up and take it all. I am resigned to my fate, waiting for someone who is truly refreshing. Someone who seeks real change, and not just change from the status quo, but change of the institutions and fabric of politics. Does that someone exist?

I am not going to make any concrete predictions about what will happen when he gets into office, because that's a different story, but from what I saw in the campaigns- it doesn't look good.

It never did,

i have this horrific paper due for my class tomorrow, BUT!
I am going through a CFS attack where I have to sleep about 5 hours during the day, BUT!
i have career day tomorrow and no resume, BUT!

D came over last night; it was the first time I've seen him since the funeral. He also came over for breakfast this morning, and we had bacon and toast with his grandmother's lovely strawberry jam on it. :D I don't know if that I'm just letting go of our problems, or he's feeling better, but to me, being with him felt so much better than it has for a long time (not that I ever didn't want to see him, but there were tense moments).

and he bought me a rose yesterday, which I put in the blueberry wine bottle. While I put that in the kitchen, and stuck the pumpkin pie in the fridge, he had something in his hand, and it was a ring!

(NO I AM NOT ENGAGED.) It was a silver ring, with hearts centered between two thin silver bands. It was sooo pretty! he picked it up for me when he was in New York. I love it. And it fits me too! So yea, besides the disappearing tension, he had some lovely presents for me last night. And geez! I have nothing for him yet! 

It is 1 year for us in a few days. And it's been a hell of a year.
And through all of that, God still kept us together.
I love him so much :)

Don't ever speak for me.

I was giving a presentation today about a proposal for foreign policy for Iran's nuclear program. My partner at one point was talking about the next president's impact on our policy, and I'm pretty sure that she said "We hope it's Obama. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be Obama."

I was just standing there with my mouth open. She kept talking, so I didn't get to yell the words that I wanted to say: "Don't speak for me! Don't speak for me!" I have radical views on many things, but at the end of the day, I will NEVER EVER support a candidate that remotely resembles Barack Obama. I hate that the fact that I am at the UMW department for IA and PSCI, and that professors actually think that I'm somewhat intelligent (basically that I have half of a brain), automatically leads everyone to assume that I am a Democrat/liberal. Most of the professors that know me well are aware that I am conservative, but some professors don't, and a lot of students are under the impression that I am a liberal. Because I disagree with current Republican policy? Should I inform them how much I disagree with Democratic policy too? That I think that everyone's going the wrong way?

The way that this campaign is going, I am not, not even for one second, not even with how much I dislike Senator McCain, going to ever contemplate voting for Barack Obama. (Okay, so I did for a minute, and then discarded that idea in 2 seconds. Less, even.)

I was so spitting mad at her for saying that.

I know that I've been depressed about my vote lately. I really am considering not voting at all. It really upsets me to see both of these candidates. I actually dislike McCain almost as much as I dislike Obama. Really? Our country couldn't find anyone better?

As a minority here at UMW, a conservative student, I say, "Do not speak for me!"

(Then again,  I don't really want McCain speaking for me either. That's another story.)

I am pretty much not an art snob, although I guess my taste might resemble one sometimes. Whenever I go to look for a movie to watch, I usually run to the foreign films section. I've had people ask me "Why foreign films? Because they're cool or artsy or something?" The thing is, if you know me, you should know why I like foreign films. I love language. I love hearing the musicality of another language. I love hearing words that I don't understand, knowing that these people share the same thoughts, but think and say them using completely different words. I also love the aspect of seeing different cultures.

Yesterday, Jana and I watched a foreign film that I've been hearing about from a lot of people who aren't necessarily foreign film fans. I was told that it was a "basic" to watch, and so I found myself renting Run Lola Run (or Lola Rennt in German). It was a pretty good movie, definitely a big impact cinematographically (shut up, spell check, it's a word) for the 90s. It was a good film, so like with any film I either love or despise, I ran to IMDB right away to read the message boards on it. Someone was asking "So, any other good German films I should watch?" Actually, I realized that most of my foreign film viewing has been German films.

Someone commented and said that she should watch Nirgendwo in Afrika, which is Nowhere in Africa. I just clicked on the IMDB page, and suddenly the soundtrack began to play in my mind. I saw the scenes that I had seen many times. I love that movie. I bought it for Amanda before she left to Kenya, and it took me all my willpower to not just keep it for myself. NiA has the most beautiful soundtrack of any movie I've seen. It's up there with The Hours for me. It evokes this strong feeling of being in a different place: physically, spiritually, mentally.

I just sat there in front of the computer, the movie replaying in my mind. I really don't even know why I was so knocked out by that movie. But seriously? It was AMAZING. It had such an impact on me. I want to buy it, just so I can have that spirit of another world around me. I miss Ukraine so much sometimes; sometimes I wish I could live there. I felt what young Regina did when she looked over the Kenyan landscape.

It's not a movie that would normally make anyone cry, but I did when I saw it. The beauty, the alien, the isolation.....gosh, I was just thinking about it again today and my eyes started to well up. Seriously, aside from the Bible, no book, song, or movie did to my mind what Nowhere in Africa did. And I still really can't explain why.

I know that it's a big part of my being. When people call me the language girl or say that I'm pretentious or in a way, anti-American for being obsessed with other cultures, it truly demeans what's in my heart. I'm glad that D does see that in me. I'm glad that he's also adventurous. He might not want to live in an apartment in L'viv or on a compound in Amman, but he loves to experience that stuff- the language, the culture, the food. I'm so glad that he's open minded and likes it to the extent he does. I know that the one I'm meant to be with inherently has that spirit in him, even if it is not the same extent that I do. I hope we'll have enough money for all this traveling though! (Well, he DID think it would be cool to be a firefighter in Tel Aviv ;) )

so yeah, things suck. i hate paperwork, i hate research papers, i hate central asia, i hate pop quizzes, i hate film studies, i hate my crappy schedule, i hate hate hate hate hate that this is my senior year, i hate the fact that i have to finish my resume before tuesday, i hate that i have nothing to put on it, i hate that i'm not picking up as much arabic this year, i hate HATE HATE how there is no time for ANYTHING, i HATE how short this stupid break is, i hate hate hate hate hate it.

Even throughout all this hate, I still do thank God that I am still alive. Alive, with a weak immune system, getting sick for the 2nd time in a month, stress eating like crazy, bad fatigue, being a crappy friend, being a crappy girlfriend, etc. etc. etc.

What happened this summer between D and I is still affecting me underneath everything. I forgave him and we are moving on, but I can't help the hurt that I remember when I am by myself. Remembering the hurt (as well as the first day of my cycle) has been making me cry again lately. But luckily he came over last night and we had a great time. in some ways i feel like i am already his wife, except we don't live together. its a weird feeling, because we have these heightened expectations for each other, and yet we're still just boyfriend and girlfriend, inching past 11 months. things are hard. when it's good, it's very good, but it can also get downright heartbreaking.

i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for the next few months. i have no desire to do my work. D also has no time for anything (I barely see him twice a week now), and he said something like "The time that God gives us is always enough; we just have to become better stewards of it." I keep sulking and procrastinating. I have already permanently banned myself from a ton of websites, but I am still finding other distractions. It's horrible. I will keep working on this. With His grace, I WILL get this straight. I am not doing well right now but I know that I'm still here, and I'm feeling stronger than I was four years ago. at least that's something.

I have a terrible poker face. Although I suppose that I do this on purpose. Today, some guy was talking in my IR Theory class, calling the Neocons and the Iraqi invasion "realist." I know, I used to think so too, until I found out what realism really meant (that's kind of what this class is about). So, while this guy is talking, I'm shaking my head and shaking it, and next thing I know, Dr. Singh is looking at me and asking "Why are you shaking your head, L? What do you think about what he said?"

I'm still not sure if I wanted him to see me disagree or not. I am never sure when I do these things.

Yesterday, in film class, someone asked Dr. B if he finished grading our midterm papers. When he sighed and said 'Well.....I'll have them done...eventually..." all of the students where sighing and, I don't know what possessed me to do this, but I threw up my hands and went "WHAT THE FUCK?" (It's been more than 2 weeks already and someone just told me that there was a policy in having papers graded in 2 weeks) He walked right to our side of the room and went "Okay, okay..."

I HATE that word. I don't know why it came out. And in front of a professor. I don't have a lot of patience for Dr. B, who looks like he could care less about our class. He was really unhelpful the last time I went to his office hours, etc. etc. Sometimes professors have personal/family problems, and they usually tell us so, and it's okay. But I honestly think that he just didn't freaking CARE about grading them. He told us that we could pick them up on Wednesday, and I waved my syllabus at him and said "When you're not going to be in your office?" (He doesn't have Wed. hours) "Did I say Wednesday? No, no, okay...on Thursday..." he responded to a chorus of groans.

I hate it. I used to be sarcastic, and I started to change. I'm a lot better than I was before, I will admit. But when something ticks me off, then I get into gear and the sarcasm is THICK. In class, I've had professors run to my side of the room at a sigh, or point at me when I roll my eyes at them. It's horrible. I should keep a poker face. I think that I unconsciously enjoy provoking them- since I always know that I'll get a response? I don't know. I am totally aware that it's very unprofessional. However, I've also have some of my best compliments from those professors. Some said that they enjoyed that I would actively respond to them. I don't know?
 

I would love to be psychoanalyzed. But since that won't happen, I will try changing my habits. Or should I? (Of course I shouldn't be cussing at professors, but is an eye roll fair when they're spewing political propaganda?)

For anyone trying to contact me, my SIM card is dead. AT&T was fixing my Baba's phone and accidentally canceled out my SIM card, so I no longer have a working phone. Can't get texts or anything. Or call. So, basically, you can't contact me until you get it. E-mail me at MusicalDuet@yahoo.com if you want my apartment number, and e-mail works great. My Linux computer doesn't have aim, so please don't suggest that I get on it! I should, enshallah, get my new card this week (Baba's mailing it to me), so I will read all of your threatening messages then.

That, and, I'm sick.